The Confession
by lorgeous176
Summary: I should have seen it coming. But I was disbelieving, I was still hopelessly in love. I was so hopelessly in love that I wanted her to still be hopelessly in love. But she wasn't. She was hopelessly in love with someone else… Santana reminisces on the confessions of the past and the confessions gone unspoken.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Here goes my first attempt at a Brittana fic. Who thought the day would come? I've always kept my distance, feeling I could never nail the characters, but I felt compelled to write about dashed dreams and old love affairs. It seemed quite fitting for our pairing. I must preface immediately: **this short three part ficlet contains a lot of angst and quite a bit of heartbreak so please stray away if you're not prepared for it.**

First off, I haven't really been following too closely with the recent season as I've gotten greatly busy with course work (as most of my current readers know). So, initially I wrote this during the hiatus after the Christmas episode. I had only read certain spoilers which I plugged in and made assumptions. Since then, I was filled in with the recent happenings in the season but decided not to change the world I had created as I personally liked the flow; in that sense it's slightly AU. I jump quite a bit from memory to present time (present time being Santana in the library). Hopefully it's not too confusing.

To all those awaiting Latte Girl, I'm hoping to get a new chapter out shortly. Hang in there.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy these snipets of just plain, honest writing. Here goes nothing! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters nor am I affiliated at all with the show Glee.

Warnings: ANGST (you have been warned, twice) and light profanity.

The Confession: Part 1

I've never been more terrified my entire life. I feel bare and cold, like stepping into a shower, my body shivering as I wait for the water to adjust. Waiting for things to get warmer and brighter, but it doesn't. The cold water just engulfs me, washing away every happy memory, pooling below me before spiraling down the drain. I keep going up and down, my emotions rolling over me in waves. A minute ago I felt that I had every right to feel this way, to feel sorry for myself. But now at this second, I see that I'm just pathetic and lonely. It's all my fault isn't it? For being honest, but not being honest enough. For trying to do the mature thing, but ending up crawling back like an ignorant child. For loving too much, but giving too little love at all…

I left her. Because I loved her too much.

When I tell people, hearing it come out of my mouth makes it sound more stupid each time. At the moment it seemed to make sense. She was always the smart one, I was the fool. I still am the fool. The fool that was too much in love that they fell into a pit of sorrow by their own doing. I broke my own heart. The fault is my own. Now here I am, at 11:34AM in Ekstrom Library on a Friday night… Instead, I could have listened to her and done something with myself. She was the only one who ever showed that she truly cared about me. The only who ever believed in me. The only one who ever sees any good in me, period. No, instead I'm reading some heavy ass accounting book by some man who probably was thinking the same exact thing I am right now when he wrote it:

_What the hell am I doing with my life?_

I thought I had grown out of this, but I'm still living a lie.

I flick the ink pen out of my hand and watch as it hit the side of the carrol I'm sitting in. I swear these things were built to completely isolate individuals from human existence. I can't find the strength to break free. Instead, I tug out my laptop from my bag, also known as a big ass boulder. When I wiggle it out of it's snug confinements, my white cheer shoes come flying out as well. I don't even bother picking them up. I just roll my eyes at everything they entail. Another detail to my pathetic life.

When the screen lights up to reveal the last webpage I was on, I suddenly remembered why I enclosed myself in this stupid carrol instead of going to the football team's after party. I immediately feel my throat tighten up like it did all during sophomore year at McKinley. It always did whenever I saw her with someone else. Even when I didn't realize I was in love her yet, I got the cold, numbing feeling I have now. It invaded my whole body like a parasite. Draining me. Making me more tired and making me feel older than I truly am.

Who fucking knew that someone changing their social media profile status from "it's complicated" to "in a relationship" would hurt this bad?

I hate that I'm still so interconnected with all of them. As I browsed through picture after picture of the new Glee club on her page, the more I immersed myself in the unfortunate happenings of the events after our breakup. My heart felt rotten as I realized she was slowly starting to move on, while I remained stuck. Stuck in this cold shower of uncertainty.

I stopped at a candid picture of the two of them, courtesy of one Artie Abrams. I wanted to gag. I wanted to cry. I wanted to throw my damn cheer shoes at my computer screen. I wanted to be the cause of such a beautiful smile. I used to be.

It's only fair, isn't it? I deserve this punishment. I basically threw her at him. I reminded her that we were free to see anyone we wanted every time I came back home. Even though we were over I was coming back to Lima more often to see her than ever before. I even thought we were going to be okay. That we could potentially get through this like I had privately promised to myself. By the third weekend I came back, we were laughing again. She's my best friend. I didn't realize how much I've missed it. It was the little things, like driving her home after Cheerios practice on Friday when I would come back or choosing my next shade of nail polish together. She was, after all, the only face I wanted to see in Lima, Ohio. We would gossip and sleep over innocently as we did before. That was until she tried to kiss me again when I came back Thanksgiving. I pressed my hand to her chest to stop her right when her lips barely brushed mine. I can still distinctly remember it. The way they felt… but then I could also remember the way her brow creased and her lips scrunched out of the sadness of rejection. I remember the damage I caused.

It happened right after I tried to rip out Kitty's horrible extensions and told Quinn that we were done until she got her inflated, blonde head out of her pretty ass and broke things off with her professor. I was taking care of Marley. I told her that I was going to make sure she drank every drop of that damn juice box until she stopped rambling that she didn't need two of me nagging her about how laxatives only leads to shit hitting the fan. When Marley's mom finally came her gentle touch tugged me away, lacing our fingers together, which easily diverted my attention. I'm like a moth to a flame when it comes to her. She knows it too. All the tension and hatred I had from earlier slipped away.

We walked together hand-in-hand, neither of us needing to say anything. The only sound was her quiet humming of what was supposed to be Blaine and Marley's duet, which went unsung. It wasn't until I felt her untangle our fingers, leaving just our pinkies linked when I realized we were at our old lockers. Well, hers was still there. Mine was now filled with Sam's textbooks apparently. She smiled at me, that smile she saved for me.

"I know it sucks losing," I say quietly, but as quiet as I am my voice echoed in the empty hallway. I'll always be competitive even if I wasn't the one out on the field or up on the stage. I looked around and laugh lightly, "I'm getting weird déjà vu right now."

She smiled wider as I acknowledged her intended choice of location.

"You know I never care about winning."

"I know."

And then she goes and surprises me.

"Coach Sylvester is helping me with college applications."

It makes me smile. A truly genuine smile and it almost hurts because I haven't smiled like that in such a long time.

"That's fantastic. I know you'll get into every one of them."

"Well, duh. Who wouldn't want me at their school?"

I smile impossibly wider.

"I couldn't imagine who. I'm so proud of you."

"Sam's been helping me too with deciding which ones," she says almost bashfully as she looks at her toes. I of course notice the change. My smile quivers slightly. I may be stupid when it comes to love, but I'm not that stupid. It's pretty obvious that there's something there that I've been avoiding to see. But I'm not going to be the one to tell her what to do. If he wants to he can. But I trust she'll make the smart decision in the end. Well, I can only hope.

I swallow it all down and force myself to reply back, "Yeah? Where does he think you should go?"

"L.A. or New York… he thinks big cities provide the most opportunities."

"And do you agree?"

"Yah. I do. I think that you can be whoever you want to be when you have all the right birds in one basket," I smile a little at her tiny mess up, but don't correct her. "But… I also think there are lots of birds elsewhere too."

A raise a brow curiously.

"I sent in my application to U of L last week."

And she continues to surprise me.

She had a wide grin on her lips and a hopeful gleam in her eyes. Those blue sparkling eyes, asking if this was okay. I didn't know what to say. I know I should have said something. I should have told her how my heart started thrumming three times faster. That I'd start looking around for apartments to live together tonight. That she was a genius and that I didn't know why I didn't think of it myself. That I'd cut down the admission office if they somehow thought she wasn't qualified. That I'd make sure she was qualified before that would even happen. That I was so, so happy… But I didn't say any of that. Instead I said:

"Is that where you _really_ wanna be though, Britt?"

That hopeful gleam immediately started to drain from those blue pools.

"I want to be with you, Santana."

It was the simplicity of the way she said it that made me ache even more…

"I do too. But we've went over this before—"

"I know… that maybe in the future if the timing is right we can be together again. Well, I've been thinking about the future and there's a way we can be together Santana. It doesn't have to be so complicated anymore."

"Non-complicated sounds nice…" I replied tempted by the easiness of it all, loving the sound of a future together. She smiled again, that smile for me.

"You once confessed your love for me in this very spot. And because the timing wasn't right, I couldn't give it back to you. Not fully. After our unofficial break-up I started thinking a lot. And you should thank Sam. He made me realize that even after a year of being a couple I had never confessed my love for you. So, I'm standing here now. I'm in love with you, Santana. And I'm only going to be yours."

That's when she leaned in and I was stupid enough to stop her. Her bottom lip just grazing the top of mine. The small sensation was enough to make me feel like my body was being tickled. She made me feel alive again. I knew she felt me shiver. It was the last time I felt Brittany's lips. Still, how many months later, I don't know why I stopped her. I have no words to explain myself. A few times I've caught myself screaming in my car alone for shutting out such beautiful words. I guess it comes down to me being too much in love with her… so much so that I didn't want to have that power over her. I couldn't let her make her decisions based off of where I was. Especially when she could be in the city, achieving all I know she can.

I was stupid to think it would all be okay, that eventually we would make it. It was my fault… I led her on to believe it. When I pushed her away I remember her eyes immediately watering and her voice cracking when she asked why I had been spending so much time at home if I didn't want us to get back together. She said that I pulled and pushed too hard. That she didn't like how her heart was being played in a constant game of tug-a-war. And she's right. I pushed her too hard and now this afternoon she's changed her stupid fucking status from "it's complicated" to "in a relationship".

I tell myself everyday that my choice was right to make myself feel a little better. I did it because if I told her to go through with it, she'd be doing what I did. She'd be stuck in the library studying something she didn't want to study… I made my choices surrounding her. I chose to be with her when I should have realized at this time in our lives we couldn't do that. And that's why I have to admire Berry for doing what she did, as much as I hate to admire anything she does. She followed her dream and got to where she wanted to be. There's no doubt in my mind that one day her name will be printed on some poster for some Broadway musical on a massive billboard in Times Square. Undoubtedly there will be a gold star after the "y".

I didn't go back until Winter Break. When I was home for Christmas it was the worst… I went to the mall to find some red and black leg warmers for practice as a Christmas gift for myself and I saw their gloved hands intertwined at that one store where they bring in the puppies from the shelter. Brittany took off her left glove to scruff a lab pup's floppy ears and I saw it. It was tiny and hard to define from where I was standing, but the shiny thin band was obvious enough. I felt that numb, cold feeling suck away like a parasite again. I ended up going back to Louisville the day after Christmas, proceeded to get extremely drunk on New Years, and of course drunk dialed her that night. She probably couldn't hear all too well anyways since I was a blubbering mess, but I'm sure she understood.

Brittany always understood.

I tried to ignore the empty feeling in my chest for as long as I could, but it was becoming unbearable. The bitter cold of winter didn't help, the snowy wind biting at my cheeks during practice. Some mornings I wouldn't even get up out of bed to go to class. My stomach would ache in pain. I knew it wasn't from the appalling dining commons food because I hadn't been eating much. I knew I had to get away or my body would start hating me. So when I got a random call from baby porcelain I was a little more than tantalized by the idea of being in the city for a few days. The last time I had been was junior year with Brittany…

However, I had no idea that Her Majesty Fabray was going to be there. Thankfully she ended it with her fifty-year-old professor, but it didn't stop me from poking fun at her for it during my entire stay at the Hummel-Berry residence. It gave me slight satisfaction seeing that infamous scowl and uncomfortable squirm whenever the topic was brought up. Especially since Rachel wasn't any happier when I informed her of the affair. It was the most excitement I had gotten in a while, which is pretty darn depressing. The reason for Berry's intervention was absolutely absurd. I couldn't believe I went through the hassle of airport security just to hear her whine about some show business drama… I gave my five cents on the issue which seemed to satisfy her. After all, she did just want my brutal honesty and harsh humor. So I willingly gave it to her, after I forced her and Kurt to pay for my plane ticket back to Louisville that is.

The best and really only good thing about that small vacation was the night I spent out with Kurt in the city. I never really liked lady boy until I saw the guts it took for him to exchange schools to simply be himself. Ever since I've always secretly admired how brave he is. He took me around NYADA and the theatre district. I was surprised when I found we had a quite a bit to talk about and even when we had nothing to say a comfortable silence blanketed us. That was the thing I realized about him and I… I wanted things at the snap of my finger. Kurt could wait all day long for you to follow. We were opposites who could learn from each other. I followed him willingly and I suddenly realized all the little things I was missing.

As I quietly began to take more in, I began to realize the biggest detail I've overlooked the entire day. Under the neon lights and faint stars, Kurt was a new boy… no a new man. It was unlike seeing him under any spotlight during our now insignificant show choir performances. A look like that comes from someone who's experiencing it all. I never really thought about it before, probably because Rachel's ambitions are always overpowering everyone else, but Kurt has really done something for himself. He came to New York with absolutely nothing, with no real plan whatsoever. Now he's got his second chance at NYADA and is living the starving artist's life in a dinky old apartment.

It's all I ever wanted. But that was something only Brittany knew…

If I could have anyone's bravery, I wished I had Kurt's.

After wandering for some time, we found ourselves in the throng of the Village or something like that… I wasn't paying too close attention to the signs, thinking that Kurt knew where he was going. Apparently, I assumed wrong and I berated him heavily for it. We asked a pair of men how to get back to our apartment and they enthusiastically gave us directions; almost too enthusiastically. One was being way too friendly with Kurt for my liking. Between the both of us, I was the one with thicker skin. Not to mention I still kept at least one razor blade hidden in my hair at all times. But they ended up pointing us to the right path and things started looking more familiar. Before we could get far they asked us if we liked karaoke. Of course Kurt would ask for directions from the two gayest men who happened to be going to a karaoke bar…

So there I was, stuck on a barstool stirring Kurt's diet coke with one hand and holding my gin and tonic with the other while I watched him belt out a Whitney classic with some stranger. He was having a good time and the couple we came with kindly got my alcoholic beverage and refused to take my money when I tried to pay them back. I decided staying out a little late wouldn't hurt anyone, especially when I watched Kurt interacting with some of the admirers he had already attracted. He just seemed so alive. I couldn't bring myself to leave. Besides, I'm sure Rachel would love the alone girl talk with Quinn… I watched as the crowd danced and sang to Kurt's perfectly pitched voice. As I thought of dancing and the city, my mind slowly drifted off to Brittany. What a scene it would be to see her dancing in an environment like this. Well, subtracting all the gay men. I continued to notice the lack of females in the room until the tall, slender brunette bartender asked if I wanted another gin and tonic. I said I was fine, but she quickly made another for me.

"It's on the house," she said with a very obviously flirtatious grin on her lips.

I awkwardly smiled back at her before turning my attention to the stage. I looked around me… why in the world would a lesbian be working at a gay bar? I turned back around and asked her the very question curiously. She laughed. She was more attractive, when she laughed.

"So creepy guys don't hit on me and skanky chicks don't ask for my number."

I pursed my lips and nodded. She had a very valid point and I took note of it. I noticed how she looked me up and down, but I mean who wouldn't. I am fucking hot. But for some reason it felt wrong. It was probably because only seconds ago I was thinking about the blonde who danced away with my heart. I dropped my smile and looked away.

"But _beautiful_ women don't fall on that list, sweetheart," she told me confidently before walking off to attend to someone else calling for her attention.

"She could have come up with a better line than that," I mumbled to myself, rolling my eyes.

"A better line than what?" Kurt asked coming out of nowhere.

I shook my head to tell him to forget about it and then proceeded to mock how he's lost his touch with spontaneous song bursting. The night wore on and Kurt somehow managed to get me up on the stage to sing a duet with him. He must have taken advantage of all the alcohol running through my veins. The flirty bartender had given me enough free gin and tonics to make me feel a little woozy and my eyes a little prickly with tears by the time we hailed a cab to go home. Once we clambered in, all the pressure inside me burst open like a balloon attached to a water hose. I cried into Kurt's tailor designed suit the entire drive back. By the time we got out of the car and Kurt paid the fee, my eyes were practically welled shut.

"I miss her so much," I blubbered one last time as we sat on the snowy steps of Kurt's apartment building. Well, Kurt was sitting, I was sprawled out lewdly. The cold was helping a little with soothing my enflamed cheeks.

"I know, honey. I know that she misses you too. You know what else I know?"

I made an ugly, snotty sound instead of responding.

"That there's nothing wrong with admitting you were wrong. Some really smart people thought that originally we were creatures with multiple legs and arms. We were split in half because God was punishing us for loving ourselves too much."

"What the fuck kind of messed up riddle is this?" I asked still slightly drunk.

Kurt sighed. When I looked back to him, I saw how sad his eyes look. I smacked myself mentally because I remembered I wasn't the only one who was dealing with recent heartbreak.

"The story says that humans have been trying to find their severed halves ever since. Only true love has the capability of leading us to the person that will mend our souls together and complete us. I believe that there is a soul mate out there in the world for everyone. If me and the world are right, she'll give you a second chance."

It was a beautiful story. It definitely shut me up for the rest of the night.

Luckily, I wasn't drunk enough to forget his words. In fact, my intoxication seemed to amplify the memory, engraining it into my mind permanently. I want to believe it desperately because it is the only thing I have left to hold on to.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I want to give a quick thanks to my new beta Roz. Your insight completed this chapter :)

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters nor am I affiliated at all with the show Glee.

Warnings: ANGST (you have been warned, twice) and light profanity.

The Confession: Part 2

But I guess Kurt and the world were wrong. I fist at my tired eyes in frustration at how silly I was to believe in such fables. That I still believe in such fables… If only I knew that before I crawled back on my hands and knees to her, groveling like that poor, lab puppy at the dog adoption…

I remember back to the week after I got back from New York. I booked it to Lima, breaking several speeding limits while doing so. I figured missing a few days of class and cheerleading practice was insignificant to being with Brittany. I felt like I was a love sick fool again. Then again, I always have been when it comes to Brittany. I was filled with Kurt's words and his mythical origin of love. I was filled with hope and youth and the will to believe that Brittany and I were made for each other. She was my lost half.

However, there was a nagging in the back of my mind left behind after Christmas. I knew they were together, and the ring certainly scared me when I first saw it. I knew there had to be an explanation though. After forcing Kurt to text Blaine I found out nothing was actually official. It was all I needed to try and win her back. I needed to right my wrongs; to confess my love, again.

From Blaine through Kurt, I found out what their weekly assignment was for Glee club and thought the theme was fitting for my arrival.

Diva.

Cliché and I hate to admit that I am one, but it is true. I figured the Glee kids wouldn't have questioned my reason being there, but the truth was practically plastered to my forehead. In all honesty I couldn't give a fuck about the assignment. All I ever cared about was her.

When I made my appearance at the choir room my face remained transparent. I looked my normal bitchy, confident self as always. My insides were anything but. It felt like I had accidently swallowed a hive of bees for breakfast instead of cereal. The nest was whirring in my chest while the bees flurried around in my stomach and through my veins. My entire being was a buzzing nervous wreck and the only one who could spot my nervous twitching was her. She could see right through me. She cocked her head to the side curiously, her ponytail swaying. Even with her confused look, she made me weak in the knees. I had to smile. I hadn't actually realized that it had been a little over a month since I last saw her. God, it was good to see her…

Everyone was fairly happy to see me, Marley and Will especially so while Finn and Sam not so much. And I had no idea why the hell Puckerman was there, but he engulfed me in a tight squeeze making everyone laugh. But the only reaction I cared about was Brittany's and she just continued to stare back at me slightly perplexed with a weak smile on her lips. It wasn't very reassuring.

I could feel her eyes raking over my body, trying to see what had changed since the last time we had seen each other. I was doing the same to her. I hated that our first interactions had to be from afar.

Will and Finn did their spiel on the lesson, both awkwardly interrupting the other, obviously showing that they didn't know how to share being in charge of Glee. I smirked as I thought they were setting the tone well on how to channel your inner-diva. Those two, after all, may be the two biggest divas in the room. After they gave the assignment, the kids broke off to discuss what they wanted to perform. I was to be the guest celebrity judge, though I felt anything but. I didn't feel special nor wanted. How could I when I couldn't get much more than a crooked scrunch of her lip out of her. I twisted at the silver bracelet we bought together as I tried my hardest to seek out Britt's eyes, but Sam was whispering some stupid impression in her ear making her laugh. I huffed… jealousy was brewing inside me. I could almost hear the bees fly around with more frustration. Before steam came out of my ears, Marley of course had to ask me to show an example of how to be diva or some crap like that… I mentally sighed, knowing that I was bound to sing in front of the Glee club if I went by my plan. Really the only person I wanted to sing to was Britt.

So I did just that. As the music began to play, I wouldn't take my eyes away from where she sat for the entire performance. There was no point in hiding it. I needed to make my full intentions known. It was a power ballad. Full of energy and emotion… only a true diva would be able to do the song justice. During the car ride here, I was choreographing dance moves and trying to integrate some new cheer tricks I had learned from the Cards. But I didn't do any of them. Instead, I took a seat next to the pianist and faced the Glee Club, facing Britt. I simply sang, letting the low notes sink and letting the high notes sky rocket.

As the song progressed, I felt my body turn. It was the oddest sensation. My instincts yearned to communicate with the music. The melody built inside me. It may sound like an odd comparison, but it felt sensual, orgasmic. The only other thing that felt nearly as pleasurable as that was making love to Britt. I needed to communicate to her, needed to tell her everything, but the music was severing the connection. All my emotion, all those words were instead channeling into the notes. Although completely facing the ivory keys now, my eyes were still locked on her. I couldn't tear myself away.

I was locked in between.

She could tell I was fighting. I never realized what it had all meant till right now, analyzing the moment in this damn little library cubicle.

My voice shook the choir room as the song came to a climax. I hadn't really moved from my spot. I didn't try to take control and use stage presence at all. Initially I thought everyone was going to do an awkward clap like how we used to whenever Rachel sang one of her many love confessions to Finn in front of the whole Glee club.

I was wrong.

They were floored. All the kids were so responsive that for a moment I'm sure I looked a little confused, not only with them but with my performance as well. Marley seemed like someone just told her that her mom won a million dollars and Artie looked like he was going to get up to give her a standing ovation. My favorite was Wade who sat there with his mouth in a perfect "o" shape, clapping loudly. Even Sam was giving his big-lipped grin.

But it was her. Her with the sad blue eyes that kept me glued to the piano bench. She didn't really clap, barely even smiled. She just looked… sad. It took everything in me not to run up to her riser and kiss her knuckles gently, asking what I could do to make the past all better. To have our future.

Even though she didn't give much of a response, she was the first to say anything once everyone had quieted down. It was as if they were all waiting for her to do so.

"Santana, that was incredible," she said in her Brittany voice. It was so perfect, but contained an unfamiliar sadness that was emanating from her body language… I tried to read it, tried to find some underlying meaning to her words. But I couldn't. It was the last thing I had expected her to say, but the fact that she said it allowed my muscles to unclench slightly and the bees in my stomach to stop stinging my insides.

"Yes, I think we can all agree with Brittany," Mr. Schue began to say. "You're an entirely different woman than the last time I saw you, Santana."

My eyebrows knitted together at the comment.

"Yah! Santana was really able to bring a different type of snazzy to diva, right guys?" Finn finished and I rolled my eyes.

"What I think Finn is trying to say is that Santana was really able to capture…" that's when I started to drown out their voices. They debated for a good ten minutes about how my performance was a good example of encompassing my inner diva, while the Glee kids zoned out. When enough was enough I was the one who ended up excusing the class. It may or may not have been because I was getting impatient with getting Brittany alone. No one questioned though and, being the anxious divas they were, they zoomed out of the choir room to tend to their insignificant teenage issues.

I lingered by the piano looking over the sheet music I had just sang. She stayed behind too because she seemed to know… she always knows. But he did too, and this time I didn't overlook it. Will and Finn were the last to leave and their huffing and puffing could still be smelt after they left. The pungent odor of their egos infiltrated the room. It was appalling. I guess some things never change.

I leaned against the piano finally facing her. When my eyes landed on her face I smiled. It faltered slightly when I was reminded that Sam still lurked by, shoulder propped against the doorframe of the exit. He had a knowing, observant look about his face. It wasn't defensive or aggressive. He understood and was there if either of us, well mainly Brittany, needed any help.

She finally spoke.

"I didn't know you were coming to Lima."

"I didn't either. I was just following freeway signs and I ended up here."

What I meant to say was that I was following my heart, but I knew that would have sounded cliché and absolutely ridiculous coming from me. And while Brittany wouldn't care, I still had a reputation to uphold since we had a third-party audience. She cocked her head to the side curiously and stood up from her plastic chair.

"Why did you come here, Santana?" she asked coming down the risers, her hands shoved in her coat pockets. It wasn't interrogating, just unsure.

I opened my mouth to respond as she stood just a foot away from me, but then I stopped and glanced over at Sam. He was beginning to look a little uncomfortable. I could tell he was trying hard to remain supportive, but I knew me being back in Lima was making him weary.

"I think you know… but I'd rather explain everything when we're alone," I replied as strongly as I could. I saw a quick crinkle on her brow before it quickly disappeared. I didn't know what it meant.

"He can stay," she said firmly. The firmness of it surprised me and I think it surprised Sam too. He straightened up at his acknowledgement, ready to run to her side like the faithful puppy he was. "He helps me with my locker combination before class."

That used to be my job… I had been replaced. The bees started to sting at my chest again.

"Oh… okay," I say dumbly. "Another time then? I'll be here till the end of the week."

"That's only three days," she frowned.

I nodded, "Games are mandatory to make and it's at home Friday night."

I couldn't help but hear the disappointment, "Okay. Soon."

She was about to turn to leave when I noticed the slightest hesitation. It was a quiver in her right ankle. I'll never forget it. That tiny quiver told me everything. It screamed of all the uncertainty she had at that moment. The regret. The magnetism between us. The magnetism between herself and Sam.

She was locked in between.

All I had to do was quickly link our pinkies and she would have been pulled my way. That's all I needed to do… but I didn't. Instead I decided to be fair and I let her choose. She said I pushed and pulled too hard. I wasn't going to do that anymore. She walked away from me and over to the exit. Over to Sam.

Before the two of them left she called over her shoulder.

"You look nice out of your Cards uniform, Santana."

A grim smile ghosted my lips as I looked down at my normal attire. When I looked back up she was gone.

That was the first awkward day. Unfortunately, as each day dragged on things became even more awkward. I began to notice how weird Glee has become. There had always been drama before: Kurt and Rachel would both be staring at Finn while Finn had his armed wrapped around Quinn who was side glancing at Puck. It was classic Glee. Luckily I always had Britt at my side, whispering how Rachel looked like one of her American Girl Doll's that day in her reindeer sweater, but things were just odd. Blaine was so obviously drooling over Sam's biceps as he would make some big-lipped joke to Britt, while Tina… I had no fucking idea why Tina was laughing at Blaine's every word. If Blaine were to be described in any way, the last word I would use is humorous. The first word I would use is oily. The second would be "the male Rachel Berry". Things had really turned upside down… None of these relationships made sense. They all seemed like a phase, a joke. But it still left me feeling isolated, alone. It was a new generation. One where I no longer belonged. I was awkwardly stuck sitting in on episode two of Finn and Will's meaningless banter.

Not only were the original Glee kids acting strangely, but the new ones were too. They weren't like this when I had come back for Thanksgiving… I figured it must be because it was the month of February when everyone sort of gets loony. Kitty was being more intolerable than normal. With just the slightest gleam in her eye or the pitch in her annoying voice, I could tell when she was scheming some plan to manipulate Marley. And Marley was so gullible… I couldn't for the life of me understand why she needed this bitch's approval. On each occasion I had to tell Kitty to shut up and put her in her place. Puck's black half-brother and the other kid who kinda looked like Sam, but brunette were acting all "bro" to each other when they obviously were in love with the same girl. It wasn't your typical friendship like Puck and Finn who were friends for the sake of being friends. It was like they genuinely hated and cared for each other. I knew something like that was bound to break the object in the middle. Speaking of Marley, she was acting as if we were best friends all of a sudden.

"I thought you and Wade—"

"Unique," she corrected.

"Yeah, whatever. I thought you two were close?"

"We are… but sometimes it's nice talking about boys with someone who's had experience."

"But I'm a lesbian," I told her bluntly.

"Why does that matter? You know what it's like being in a relationship."

"Don't you have an older sister or step sister to ask these questions to?" I inquired randomly.

"I'm an only child."

"Maybe you're more Berry-esque than I thought," I sighed disappointedly.

She frowned and began chewing at the nail of her left ring finger nervously.

"Well, I've always wanted an older sister…"

That's when it hit me. She didn't really have any true friends she was completely comfortable around. She was isolated. I forget how lucky I was being able to be myself around Britt. I could see it now. The way she overstretched the sleeves of her sweater from clenching at them nervously. The way her eyes sporadically jumped from side to side when she thought she said something wrong. The slight chafing of her lower lip, evidence of worrying it too much with her teeth. All the high school drama… All the insecurities… I couldn't believe how much she was reminding me of _me_ in high school… Luckily I had Britt. But who does she have? She needed someone to confide to. She needed someone to listen when she had a confession to make.

I let out a deep breath and tried to control my patience with her sensitivity. If I had to be that person so be it.

"Alright," I finally caved tossing down the sheet music we were supposed to go over for a possible regionals number which would fulfill the diva assignment as well. "Lay it on me, Twiggy."

She beamed and I gave a genuine smile back. It was the first time I felt like I was actually helping someone… I had always been the one who needed help. I never thought I'd be the person a girl like Marley would come to for relationship advice, let alone look up to. It made my cold heart pulsate with a warmth that only Britt could give me. My smile faltered into a weak one at the thought of her. I wish I was spending more time with her, but instead I was listening to Marley's problems with Jake.

"He's not pressuring you into anything, is he?" I interrupted her story, grimacing at the thought.

"No, no! He's a really good guy. I promise."

"Hmph," I grunted in disbelief, "Sorry, hon, it's a natural instinct. I can never trust a Puckerman."

She laughed softly.

"After hanging out with you during Sectionals, you've really helped me embrace who I am. To see that I could love myself regardless of what other people say. You're like one of the most confident people. You know what you want and you're not afraid to go after it even if it has consequences," she complimented me.

She was completely wrong… if only she knew me last year. Marley's tragically, broken face brought me back to reality.

"It's just… I see you," she started cautiously and I raised an inquisitive brow at where she was going with this. "The way you look at Brittany?"

The moment her name left from her lips, my jaw set tensely and my throat closed in. It felt like I had accidently eaten too many breadsticks at Breadstix. It was impossible to breathe or speak properly. My mouth had turned dry as I tried to swallow down the fibrous lump in my throat. I looked down at my boot clad feet, embarrassed by my initial reaction. Marley didn't know how to respond so she quickly finished her thought.

"I know you're in love with her still…" she rushed out.

I immediately recoiled and shot back like an awoken asp, "What's your point?"

"I'm sorry. I just… How did you know you were in love with her? And how did you know she loved you back?"

The first question was easy. The second question I still ask myself every day because it doesn't make sense why she would want to be with someone like me. Beautiful Brittany and spiteful Santana… I knew I didn't deserve her. So I only responded to the first, after I rid the breadstick feeling in my throat. She could tell I was struggling with the topic so she dropped it after that. Thanking me repeatedly. I didn't even know if I was really all that much help, but she seemed grateful enough. I wished I were more help because I could imagine her breaking and she might not be able to recover…

The only moment I was able to interact with Britt that day was when I approved of her song choice for the assignment.

It almost felt like how it used to be in those brief five minutes. I smiled and she laughed when I made a joke about how Finn was looking more like Finnessa in that cute sweater-vest I'm sure he inherited from Mr. Schue's wardrobe from last year. I made her laugh… _I_ made her laugh, not Sam Evans. It felt incredible. I'm sure trouty mouth himself was feeling like a piece of shit sitting in the corner over with Blaine. I didn't care, because it was just me and Britt for five whole minutes. She went on about the number she had strategically planned out, and I doted on her every word.

"I love it, Britt," was all I could say dumbly after her explanation of why she chose Beyoncé over Madonna. She smiled her sad smile at me and I couldn't help myself. I brushed my pinky over hers affectionately as if to give her a quiet sign in the middle of the hectic choir room. She looked up at me, eyes lost and cheeks flushed with love. It made my heart ache.

The moment only lasted a few seconds before she immediately retracted her pinky away from my touch before I could completely intertwine them. It was like someone had taken a chair from underneath me and I was falling embarrassingly to the floor. With a whip of her skirt she turned away from me and faithfully went back up the risers to join Sam. I stood rooted to the spot. Everything she did made the internal battle within me roar on with more ferocity.

That's when I began to question coming back.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks again to my new beta Roz. You're a fabulous editor :) This is the last part of this series. I hope you enjoy it!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters nor am I affiliated at all with the show Glee.

Warnings: ANGST and light profanity.

The Confession: Part 3

I twirled at the silver heart of our bracelet as I thought hopelessly back on all the signs she gave to me that day. I should have known better. I should have seen it coming. But I was disbelieving… I was still hopelessly in love. I was so hopelessly in love that I wanted her to still be hopelessly in love, but she wasn't. She was hopelessly in love with someone else… That was made clear later that day…

After the unsuccessful pinky-linking in the choir room I knew I needed to speak with her. I was down to the last bit of fuse before everything inside me was going to explode. So, I waited anxiously by the locker room exit for her after Cheerios practice, watching the gray murky sky turn darker and darker into night. Lima was always the worst during the winter.

I was doing what Kurt would do: try to take in the little things. I tried to observe the way the clouds wisped or puffed, watching the birds skim over the tree line that could be seen over the stadium. I sighed, not being able to connect to my surroundings. It was relaxing and calm. It was everything I didn't want. I realized I missed the pounding of feet against pavement, loud cars zooming by, and bright lights illuminating me in a world that knew not of darkness.

"Santana?" a voice pulled me from my daydreams.

I jolted alert as Sam crept up on me. He was clad in a cut-off sweatshirt and gym shorts. The state of him reeked of an intensely regimented workout. He was still slightly out of breath and his skin was a raw pink color from the heat caused by exertion. I'd forgotten how body obsessed he was…

"You shouldn't be here…" he said after a few moments of silence.

My brow lifted in surprise, "Well, hello to you too Sammy."

"This isn't funny, Santana."

"Do you hear me laughing?" I say folding my arms across my chest.

"I'm trying to be serious, for her."

His blue eyes pierced through me like a knife. Unlike before in the choir room, his look was storm-filled like the gray sky above us, threatening. I wasn't sure what had caused such a change. Had she said something to him after what had happened earlier that day in the choir room? Has she sent him to tell me to get lost? A million questions ran through my head.

I calmly replied, "I've realized I made a mistake. I deserve to talk to her, Sam. I know you two are together, but I'm still her best friend. I deserve that right."

"I know… I'm not stopping you."

I nodded curtly. I admired his respect. It's something I could never give if I were in his shoes.

"Good."

I thought it was finalized, but he didn't move.

"But I _am_ warning you."

I eyed him with daggers. Who did he think he was? Brittany's protector all of a sudden? He had no right.

"Did she tell you to do this?" I asked as viciously as I could, but there was a waver in the back of my throat that I could not rid of. It made the question fizzle on the tip of my tongue, all the fire dissipating from my voice. The uncertainty of this whole situation consumed my entire self. I couldn't contain it. I'm confident he heard my doubt as he puffed out his chest slightly.

"No, she didn't have to," his words cut through me. It hurt knowing that she chose him. That he now knew what was going on in her mind better than I did. It felt like junior year all over again, but instead of Artie's wheels crushing my heart, Sam's trouty-mouth was swallowing it whole. I wasn't sure which was worse.

At the thought, I swallowed myself, trying to rid of the feeling of marbles stuck in my throat.

"I know you want the best for her, but I do too."

"Santana, please make this easier for the both of us… You know she would never say it to your face. She loves you too much to do that. That's why I have to… you know I don't want to do this either," he said in his roundabout-Sam way. I did date him after all. I had cracked his code over a year ago. I understood what he was trying to tell me. He just didn't want to unleash my inner Snix. My inner crazy… Everything about this was fucked up. I fucked up… She didn't want me here. I would at least say goodbye in the morning and be gone by the afternoon.

"Fine, I… I don't think we have anything else further to say to one another," I mumbled. I hated caving, but I didn't want to hear any of it from him. I was about to turn away, but he caught my arm.

"Don't go thinking I don't understand, Santana," he looked down into my eyes deeply. I could see the care there. Not just for Britt, but for me too. It made me feel sick. I wanted to hate him so terribly, but he wouldn't let me.

"I may be stupid, but I know. I know what you two have, what you two always will have. I dated you, remember? Do you remember why you dated me for so long?"

It was because of her. I was trying to make her jealous… I was trying to make my hurt go away. God, I was so selfish. So to deflect my own pain, I hurt her and I probably hurt him in the process too. All my actions, good or bad, were always because of her…

"Don't doubt that I understand. I think she needs me right now. And I need her. You're so strong, Santana. She tells me all the time. You may think I'm being selfish, but I just think I need her more at this point of our lives than you do. And while I don't know if she will ever love me like she loves you, I'm willing to give her what I don't think you can."

My eyes began to lace with tears and for the first time in a while I was left speechless around someone who wasn't Brittany.

It could have been because he was telling the truth. I hate that I couldn't hate him… But he was wrong on one level. I wasn't nearly as strong as I wish I could be. My body was made of toothpicks. I was about to snap apart at any second. I needed her to keep me upright, to keep me from being blown over by my fears.

"When it comes to love I know a lot of things. That's the reason why I think Britt and I work well together. We both know how to love and I can give that to her."

"And you don't think I can?" I choke out, yanking my arm away from his grasp. "I've given up everything for her. I've built my whole life around her—"

"And she understands the sacrifices you've made, Santana. Brittany is smart. She knows everything you've done for your relationship, but can't you see? You being here is killing her. You were the one who ended it and I was the one who saw her broken hearted after. You don't see how you'll do the same thing if you talk to her again."

I couldn't listen anymore. I shook my head, eyes turning to the floor as I mumbled a quick "_I don't need this"_ under my breath. I turned on my heel and walked away before he could see the tears pour down my face. I could hear him shouting out to me, calling me back to continue telling me… what a horrible girlfriend I was? To tell me that I deserved her? Or that I didn't deserve her? To remind me again how much Brittany still loved me? To tell me that he knew Britt better than I did? The possibilities were endless with Sam…

Sensitive Sammy...

Maybe they did deserve each other.

I didn't want to hear it. Any of it. When I finally reached my car slamming the door behind me, I began to weep. I hated boys… they were so stupid. They made you feel like shit.

My whole body caved in on itself in emotional pain. I went back to only leave in the same condition as before. If anything I was worse off. I was hurting her and she didn't want me there anymore. She was trying to move on… and how could I be angry? I was the one who told her to.

I decided saying goodbye to her wasn't worth the pain and humiliation of further rejection.

I didn't linger around Lima much longer after that. It felt as if my hometown was ashamed of me, no longer wanting my presence or residency. The pavement felt scalding through my shoes, making me run away faster, telling me to get lost. So that's what I did. I texted Finn a quick message on who I thought got the essence of being a diva the best and that I had to get back to Kentucky sooner than expected because of cheer. I'm sure Tina will be happy with her prize to a night at Breadstix… she'll probably awkwardly try to ask Blaine to be her plus one. I choked out a laugh between my tears from imagining Blaine flat-out reject her. My cold, cold heart would never change. If anything it just got colder.

By the time I pulled back into campus, I had accepted that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. If I knew I wouldn't be able to change, I might as well embrace the fact sooner rather than later. Because I knew… Britt was the only person in this world that I could ever love. I suppose some would consider me lucky in a sense… who finds their severed half at the age of fourteen?

This all happened yesterday. Today I was sitting alone in fucking library, reminiscing for the millionth time all the times where I went wrong. All the places where I could have made a different decision, caused a different present.

I rubbed at my tired eyes again. She didn't even try to text or call. She must obviously know I'm gone and why I left. Sam was an honest guy. He wouldn't hide the truth from her… This afternoon before the big game, Kurt called to see how it all went. I couldn't help but start to cry again when I began to explain.

"This was the most stupid idea I've ever come up with, Kurt," I was able to manage out into the speaker.

"Oh, hon. We are all stupid when it comes to love."

I cried even harder, his words reminding me of Sam's. Apparently they weren't… apparently they were a pair of Einsteins when it came to love.

"I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Me… Santana Lopez a fucking scary, old cat lady. And I don't even like cats that much."

"It's never wise to put yourself in a stereotypical box like that Santana," Kurt frowned upon her exaggeration.

"I'm pathetic…" I whispered wiping away tears from my cheeks and smudging my makeup in the process.

"Santana, you were following your heart. That doesn't make you pathetic… you didn't even give yourself a chance."

"It doesn't matter, Kurt. I know what she would have said."

"But do you?"

His question hung in the air as if I were suspended in a lift. My teammates didn't question why I could barely open my eyes and why I kept sniffling. It just showed how many relationships I had formed in college so far. I couldn't stop thinking about what Kurt said. Even after seeing that damn relationship status change, I couldn't help but think if maybe I'd made a rash assumption like I always do.

I suddenly shot up. I hear my knees pop from the sudden exertion after not being used in a while. A kid with some complex looking engineering books around him glares at me for being so abrupt. I stand frozen for a moment, feeling foolish once again. But this information wasn't necessarily new when it came to Britt. I'm not quite sure what my heart is telling me, but it's telling me to do something. Text her? Call her? Just to hear her voice one more time? Seal my fate… None of that seems like enough. There is only one other option, which is so, so foolish… but the thought makes me heart lurch in a way that forces me to clutch at my chest.

The heart wants what the heart wants, I think ridiculously.

On impulse I begin to pack my things, slamming my computer screen shut and stuffing it into my overstuffed big, ass boulder. I don't even bother with my book. I leave it there, along with all my notes and cheer shoes. I do, however, grab my lukewarm coffee.

It is going to be a long drive back to Lima, Ohio.

I figure there wouldn't be any traffic and with my speeding, I'd be there at about 3:30 in the morning. I walk out of Ekstrom Library for the last time and into the bitter cold. I don't even bother looking back. A sense of accomplishment washes over me, and I arise feeling anew. I knew no matter what happens in Lima, I wasn't coming back here. College isn't for me and I would stay in Lima until I figure out what to do next. I don't really know what I'm thinking. I'm not really thinking at all. There isn't a plan this time because apparently plans just always backfire. Some people would call my driving dangerous, but I like to describe it as efficient as I pull up to her house seven minutes before my approximated time.

This is where I got a little stuck. I peer through my windshield wipers brushing away the falling snow, and look up at her window. I frown. I hadn't done this since junior year of high school. Now I really felt old…

I got out and hug my coat tighter around myself. I kick at some snow covered gravel to loosen up a few pebbles. Then I proceed to do what those idiotic boys did in the teenage chick flicks as I stand below her window and begin to chuck stones at it. Britt asked me to do this in the seventh grade because she wanted to know what was so special about it. I remember her adorable, freckled face and her braced-teeth mouth explaining how no one could understand anything unless they've experienced it. I didn't know how those words could apply to so much more. When I obeyed her orders and stood below her window so many years ago, it was a breezy summer night. Many nights after I found myself throwing rocks at her window, mainly just because I knew she thought it was cute. She must have found out the reason it was so special, because every time I did so I was rewarded in the most sweet and most devilish of ways.

Tonight is different though. Unlike those spring and summer evenings, tonight it's blustery cold, the snow fluttering down on my shoulders. No matter how much clothing I wore, the freezing cold makes me feel naked. It seems fitting. I am going to stand in front of her completely bare as I confess my love for her.

The cold got to my fingers and arms, causing my accuracy to be a little off. After pelting about six rocks I see the faint glow of her night lamp turn on. I drop the remaining pieces from my right hand at the sight and scurry toward the door. I bounce a little to keep myself from freezing and keep my hands in tight fists in my pockets. I could hear the soft patter of her footsteps coming down the stairs and then the familiar click of the lock unlatching.

When the door cracks open the only thing I see are her sleepy blue eyes looking confused at me, as if I'm part of her dream. I let out a shaky smoke signal at the sight of her, stealing the air from my lungs. I think I do the same to her; she looks just as breathless. She opens the door fully and slips out. I don't realize I'm so close to the door and forget to move which causes us to be barely an inch apart. I could feel her warmth flowing from her body to mine as she tugs her fuzzy duck robe tighter around her. Her nose immediately turns a bright pink and I see her eyes brighten in an alertness that only the frosty, snowy air could cause.

"You haven't done that in years," she finally speaks in a raspy voice after I swear three minutes of straight silence. "At first I thought it was Lord Tubbington trying to get back in after sneaking out to smoke his secret stash of cigars."

My lips quirk into an inevitable smile.

"Sorry… Not Lord Tubs, Britt."

"San…" she begins to say, but before she could tell me to go home or ask any questions I interrupt her quickly.

"I'm dropping out. I'm coming back home to you. I'm still in love with you. It's always been you," I rush out ineloquently, the confession smashing together in a jumbled mess.

This is what happens when you don't have a plan.

She furrows her brow and looks down to me with a sad knowing smile. She lets out a shaky breath, as if she knew this was coming and was disappointed that it was. If it hadn't been for waking her from her dreams at three in the morning, I'd say she mirrored the same emotional state I am in. Her expression is of a mixed state, I can't read it. She sucks on her lower lip. It's a tell-tale sign. It's her way of telling me that she wants to give in, but something is in the way. Maybe I have a chance. Maybe I am right about making rash assumptions.

"You left here without even saying goodbye… You told me you wanted to talk, but Sam had said you left."

I knew I was right to think Sam would tell her the truth.

"I know. I shouldn't have left without speaking to you like I promised. I should have never left you behind in the first place, Britt. I'm sorry, but I have to tell you. I want to be with you because I know you're the only one in this world that could complete me. You and I are made for each other," I say as poetically and romantically as possible. In my mind it just sounds foolish. So, so foolish… but I don't care, and I know she doesn't either.

"I love you," I whisper, the snowflakes fluttering with the breath of my words.

She looks down at her slipper covered toes and presses her forehead against mine softly. I remove my freezing hands from my pockets to pull her at her waist and I hold her lovingly.

I hear her sniffle.

"You're doing it again," she whispers weakly. "You're playing tug-a-war with my heart."

A sharp pain shoots through me with her words and I physically wince.

"I'm sorry… I don't mean to. I'm always half a step behind with trying to figure these things out. I know it's selfish of me to do this."

Then after a deep breath and a short pause, I close my eyes and admit to the terrible truth.

"I don't like seeing it, but I know Sam makes you happy. He's a good guy and I know he would keep you safe when I'm not around. You have every reason to choose him over me. I would understand if you did…"

I cup her cheeks and lift her eyes to mine.

"But if you do still love me like you said you did at your locker two months ago, I'd be yours Britt. In a heartbeat I'd be yours. Because I've always been yours."

"San…" she whispers again. A single tear rolled down her cheek and I immediately brush it away. I don't want her to cry. I couldn't see her cry anymore.

I find myself staring at her lips. I want to kiss her terribly. But I don't.

"Tell me to stay Britt," I tell her seriously, desperately. "Tell me to stay and I will."

And then she surprises me, like she always surprises me. This time she surprises me in a way that's nightmarish.

Her brows furrow in frustration and her baby blues turn as cold as the night around us. She takes my hands away from her hot cheeks, holding them in a vice grip with her fingers.

"How could you ask me to do that?" she asks. Her lips pout out like they always did when she was frustrated with me. "You can't ask me to be the reason for keeping you here, Santana. I won't be the reason you stay here miserably when you could be living your dreams."

This time I furrow my brow.

"Britt, I'm not going back there. It was worse than hearing Berry rant that Barbara Streisand was her birth mother that one day in Glee Club—"

"You know that's not what I mean. I don't understand why you think you don't deserve what Kurt and Rachel have. I know you're more talented than both of them. You always try to hide your awesomeness from the world because you don't think you deserve to get what you want. And you deserve everything," she tells me, voice cracking.

"I want you, Britt. I want my future with you," I utter quietly, feeling weaker the more she talks about my impossible dreams. It wasn't nearly close to what I want to tell her. I wish I could tell her my best moments are always when she was by my side, how she always has a way of bringing out the best in me. Tears were flowing freely from my still puffy eyes due to my earlier crying session this afternoon.

She let out a shaky sigh and allowed a few moments of silence pass. The snowflakes had piled on our shoulders at that point, but the cold didn't seem to bother either of us.

"Well, I won't. If that's what it takes, I won't let you have me."

It sounded sacrificial, as if Britt was trying to punish herself for something. But she doesn't realize… she's punishing me too. For a moment all words escape me and a numb cold invades me, like the blood is draining out of my body and I'm becoming the cold-blooded, reptile I've always claimed to be. It's a sensation far from getting goosebumps from the frigid weather.

"Brittany, I'm in love with you," I try one last time.

Her body shook all over and it takes everything within me not to embrace her.

"And I'm in love with you," she sobs, "…I'm so in love with you."

For the first time, hearing her confess that she loves me didn't fill my heart with joy. Instead it fills me with dread.

"I don't want you to stay."

It was like being knocked over by a freight train. The envelope was being licked and my fate was being sealed as she told me her answer. My jaw began to tremble and I look to her pleadingly. I want her to take it back, to tell me what she told me during Thanksgiving break. That we could make this work and that the crying and heartache would cease. But she doesn't, instead she repeats her answer resolutely.

"I don't want you to stay, Santana. I don't want you to stay because you're more than a show choir Glee club. You're more than Lima, Ohio. You're more than me."

"That's not true," I immediately stop her, rubbing my nose. She is my everything. "It isn't true."

"It is right now. At first I didn't understand what you meant when we unofficially broke up. But you're right, in a sense. We're not in the same place. Right now, you can decorate a whole city with lights with the way you glow, San. I can't do that with you… not now."

I hate myself so much for saying all those stupid things that day in the choir room when we unofficially, but officially broke up… That's what I get for singing anything Taylor Swift. I bite at my lower lip, to prevent myself from emitting any frightening sobs.

Then she says quietly, with a voice of promise, "You're meant to do big things. I know it. So when I close this door, I expect you to do that for yourself. I want you to have everything you've ever dreamt of. And maybe… just maybe, we will find each other again."

"Britt, I'm scared. I don't want to do it without you," I tell her like a timid little mouse afraid to come out if its burrow.

She smiles softly, her eyes wet with unshed tears. But they weren't tears of heartbreak. They were tears of hope. She closes the gap between us, pulling me into her body. She whispers into my snow filled hair.

"You're the bravest person I know. And I love you," she tells me again as if to remind me. To make sure I know that my love is returned. Her arm lets go of my waist to grab my pinky, "I believe in you Santana."

With that she slowly parts from me, I try to hold on to her pinky for as long as I could before she opens the door and goes back inside. It takes a while for me to unglue myself from her doorstep, but when I do I feel that odd pulling sensation again from when I sang the song for the diva assignment. I was being pulled in a direction I was uncertain of, but it was unstoppable. When I reach my car I made one last look back up to her window. Just as I do she turns her bed side lamp off and the house goes dark.

I've never been more terrified my entire life…

I feel bare and cold, like stepping into a shower, shivering… like stepping under a snowy sky with stones in my hand and confessions in my heart.

But with her words of confidence, things were getting warmer and brighter. I could finally see where I wanted to go from here. I had always known, but was too terrified to submit to them. While the vision may still be a big foggy and the pathway uncharted, I at least had some clarity.

When I tell people the story of how I get to New York, hearing it come out of my mouth will sound better each time. They might not understand it, but it won't matter because she and I will know. Right now nothing makes sense, but she's the smart one. And I know her guidance will take me to where I want to be and eventually it will bring me back to her. I can feel it in my bones because they ache to be complete with the half that God took away from them. I'll always be the fool that was too much in love for their own good. I break my own heart, but I can mend it too.

I left her because I'm in love with her.

And in time and with more confessions, I know love will bring our souls back together.


End file.
